It wasn’t even a question you used often. For all I can remember, you only asked me that twice, but perhaps those were the only two times that mattered. Do you remember? It feels like yesterday, but so many things have already happened.
I believe that I’ve been through enough breakups to say that there are many phases that a person goes through when a relationship ends. Those phases vary depending on many factors, such as how long they were together, how much they loved each other, how close they were, how many promises they made, how much they expected from the other, and how far into the future they planned. I can’t speak for everyone, but as for me, there was the I-just-lost-the-love-of-my-life-please-let-me-die, and then there was the I-think-I’m-getting-better, and then it-was-never-that-big-of-a-deal-to-begin-with, and then he-can-go-fuck-himself. And then after all that, I started to feel nonchalant about the whole thing, to think that I’m doing okay, and that all the pieces will fall into place once the time comes if I just do my part… until I run into something familiar. Something like an old song, a favorite dish, a common phrase, a shared interest, a known habit… and then I realize how well I actually know you, and how much I’ve been missing you.
It is a strange feeling – to miss someone but not yearn for them. I don’t know why it happens, nor how to make it stop. I feel like everything between us had been complicated since the very beginning, since that moment when you asked if you could kiss me and never waited for the answer. To be completely honest, the butterflies are still here whenever I think about it, even if all it is now, is just a sad memento of the past.
You are you, and I am me. We now walk different paths, though you did say that in a different time, at a different place, things could change. Perhaps we could give each other another chance, or give ourselves another chance, but of course it wasn’t a promise. We never really made promises. I wonder if you really meant it? Either way, many things have changed since that day, for you and I both, and as time passes, that could-be promise seems less and less possible to fulfill. I can’t say if it’s because you’re floating further away from me, or because I’m slowly turning away from you.
Another try? I don’t know anymore, hunnybuns. Can it happen?
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Helena Chou 